With so many political pundits and talking heads analyzing this year’s presidential race, it is only natural that comparisons to past contests are made. The talking heads enjoy spending a copious amount of time and energy trying to see into the future to determine how it best reflects the past:
“The Democrats are making the same mistake they made in ‘04. They’ve nominated a flip-flopping liberal who is too foreign looking for the meat & potatoes crowd.”
“Obama will be just like Reagan in ’80, holding steady in the polls until he’s finally able to close the deal and then surge strong in the final stretch.”
“It’s 1960 all over again! Just wait for those debates!”
“McCain will not only be like C.C. Pinckney, but they were also close, personal friends!” (Okay, I made that last one up, but there’s nothing like 1800’s presidential election humor to bring down the house!)
Oddly enough however, I am yet to hear any so-called expert compare the Obama/McCain smackdown to the one contest it is truly destined to best resemble: Hulk Hogan versus The Rock.
For those of you who have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about, let me set the scene: It’s March 17th, 2002 and 68,000 professional wrestling (which I will from now on spell “rasslin’” to best capture its fan’s usual pronunciation) enthusiasts have packed the Toronto SkyDome to see the biggest rasslin’ star of the 1980’s and 90’s, Hulk Hogan, go one-on-one against Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
The Rock is no normal opponent. He is a young, attractive, charismatic, half-African American rock star who burst onto the rasslin’ scene to go from an unknown Canadian Football League player to the World Heavyweight Champion in a little less than two years. (Really, just replace “Canadian Football League player” with “Illinois state Senator” and “World Heavyweight Champion” with “real Senator,” and you have an oddly familiar biography.) The Rock is pure gold on the microphone, holding crowds of tens of thousands in the palm of his hand in a way that makes him truly worthy of the self-proclaimed title “the most electrifying superstar in sports entertainment history.”
Hulk Hogan was once considered a great talker—perhaps the best—but he is nowhere in the Rock’s league. Hulk is starting to get up there in age, and while he is by no means old by normal human standards, he is ancient to be competing in the squared circle of the somewhat homoerotic soap opera known as the WWE. The Hogan of 8-10 years ago could have given the Rock a real run for his money, but all the rasslin “experts” know that the timing is just not right for this man to win one last big contest as age has not only made him old (as it tends to do) but has changed him as well. No longer does he wear his trademark red and yellow outfit, but has changed to black and white and added “Hollywood” in front of his name in an obviously desperate attempt to make him more in step with today’s youth culture, which ends up pleasing no one and leading to conversations about how much people miss the “old” Hulk Hogan.
In case you haven’t figured it out yet from all the age talk, Hulk Hogan is John McCain, and the red and yellow of his once larger-than-life Maverick stature have been replaced by the black and white of the typical George W. style Republican Party line.
Everyone knows that barring a freak lightening strike (or a sudden change in the rasslin’ script) that the wily veteran has no chance to defeat his young, fresh-faced opponent, but people still get excited at the idea of the matchup. It’s a changing of the guard and everyone wants to see the ubber-popular Rock officially get passed the torch it is widely felt he so rightfully deserves. No one is counting Hogan out, but everyone knows it is the Rock’s rasslin’ match to lose.
The similarities between the two narratives are downright freaky. Politics and pro-rasslin’ have always had much in common, from the aspect of larger than life characters throwing it down against each other in an one-on-one to the use of dirty tricks that no one sees in any other walk of life. The rules of these games are supposed to be exploited to the point where if you’re not playing dirty, you’re not trying. John McCain’s Paris Hilton ad was nothing more than a good steel folding chair shot to the back of the head, which Obama will no doubt respond to by throwing a piece of flash paper at his opponent’s eyes to blind him before he unleashes the dreaded “Elbow of Change” (or at least releases another McBush commercial.) However, with the exception of the spandex and steroids, politics is pro-rasslin’, just without a script and no holds barred.
Perhaps no one notices these similarities more than the two candidates themselves. In April 2008, when Obama and McCain (along with Hillary “H-Rod” Clinton) sent taped segments to the top rasslin’ show, WWE Monday Night RAW, can you guess who McCain did an impression of? Oh yes, it was Hulk Hogan, complete with McCain giving a shout out to the McCainiacs (a takeoff of Hogan’s “Hulkamaniac” followers.) Obama was much calmer and more presidential in his segment, but of course ended with a slight take on the Rock’s catchphrase: “Do you smell what Barack is cooking?” (Later that night, actors dressed as Obama and Hillary would go one-on-one in a rasslin’ match—seriously, I can’t make this stuff up—and the actor playing Obama may have dressed like the Senator from Illinois, but his behavior was all Rock. Check out the video at the end!)
So if McCain-Obama 2008 really is following the same path of Hogan-Rock 2002, how will it all end? Back to the SkyDome:
Although Hulk fights the good fight, and even throws a few desperate dirty tricks into his usual repertoire of fake punches and kicks, he is ultimately no match for the Rock. Sure, he put up a better fight than anyone expected, but the end result is still the same, with the Rock getting the win, fair and square, in the center of the ring. The Rock stands tall in victory, symbolizing a new era has begun. The defeated Hogan returns to the back, wondering why he didn’t just stick with his red and yellow…
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