The BACONATOR is a sandwich from Wendy’s which consists of a half pound of hamburger patties, two slices of cheese, six strips of bacon, ketchup, and mayonnaise. Personally, I’m a little disappointed they didn’t just keep running with the concept and throw some onion rings, cotton candy and a couple dozen doughnuts on there and serve it up with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a hygienically suspect prostitute on the side. The slogan: “The meal for people who just don’t care anymore!”
I’ve avoided fast food restaurants ever since I became majorly rotund in high school and had to lose 80 pounds of fun-fat just so I would no longer resemble the Michelin Man or appear as though I was retaining water. (I was seriously chubby—we’re talking double chin, elbow cleavage, man-pregnant style chubby.) The last new fast food sandwich I remember being introduced was Jack in the Box’s Outlaw Burger, which I was actually so excited about I still remember the burger’s theme song to this day…
“He was giant of a man, and a friend to none.
When he rode into town he blocked out the sun.
He said ‘I’m hungry, Jack! I need a change of pace!
Make it big! Make it juicy! Wipe that smile off your face!’
Outlaw Burger!
I take a quarter pound patty, onion rings, melted cheese, big
strips of bacon and BBQ sauce—it brought him to his knees.
He cried ‘I gotta have one Jack!’ I said ‘You better say please!’
Outlaw Burger!”
That kind of sheds some light on how I got to be festively plump, doesn’t it? Moving on…
Having been out of the fast food loop for so long, I was fascinated when an advertisement for the BACONATOR appeared as I was listening to Jimmy Buffett radio at Pandora.com. The ad asked me if I wanted to “baconate” the webpage I was viewing, and c’mon, who could possibly resist an offer like that? So I baconated the webpage and the white background disappeared and was replaced by an image of row after row of crispy bacon… and that was it. It was 10 wasted seconds of my life I’ll never get back.
Regardless, I decided I wanted to learn more about the BACONATOR, if only to revisit the fast food fat boy culture I had left behind. I was hoping to be able to find a least a tidbit of information here and there on Wendy’s website, but what I got was an embarrassment of riches when I learned that the BACONATOR has its own Wikipedia page. (Seriously, that has got to be exactly what Jimmy Wales had in mind!)
If I thought I was impressed/disturbed that the BACONATOR has its own Wikipedia page, I was blown away when I viewed the history of the page. Numerous people had actually taken the time to make contributions to the page, from posting the nutritional information to the guy who signed on to post that the spicy BACONATOR is no longer being sold in Canada. This level of freaky dedication to fast food not only borders on the obsessive, but makes me think I should purchase stock in the company that makes adjustable gastric bands.
I even stumbled upon a guy who wrote several paragraphs about the BACONATOR's role in Asian culture only for another user to re-edit the page and remove this information because the reference provided was fake. I couldn’t believe it, but people are actually trying to vandalize the page to the point someone took the time to make up fake information about the BACONATOR (a luxury usually only reserved for ex-girlfriends and Barack Obama.)
Even more shocking to me than the vandals are those who are protecting the integrity of the BACONATOR’S Wikipedia page! Someone actually took the time to research the history of the BACONATOR in Asia to make sure the information provided on the webpage was correct. I really can't tell if that’s commendable or just a silent cry for help. (I keep imaging JFK in old black and white footage saying "The people have a right to know the truth about the BACONATOR!") One thing I do know: I'll be sleeping just a bit more soundly tonight knowing that the BACONATOR page is being well looked after.
As I was reading all this, a chill went down my spine, since I realized the major bullet I had dodged by changing my lifestyle, as I was destined to become one of these people who spent their free time contributing to online encyclopedia articles about specialty fast food items. Instead, I became someone who spends their free time writing about the people who spend their free time contributing to online encyclopedia articles about specialty fast food items. Close call!
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